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The world is a mighty confusing place. That's why
I've included the ASK STEVE section of my site. If you have
a question, pondering, inquiry, curiosity, inquisition or query
about absolutely anything in the known or unknown universe,
then feel free to ask me! As a Humble Genius, I'm confident
that I can answer any question asked to me.
If there is something you've always wanted to know
yet have never been able to figure out, e-mail your question
to:
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6/17/03
Dear Steve,
Do you have a favorite TV show, and why?
Les Moonves
Chairman
CBS
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Dear Les,
What an excellent question. Yes, I do have a favorite
TV show.
And why? Well, it's simply a matter of probability.
Let's assume that a person has watched 100 different TV shows
in his lifetime. It is highly probable that one of those shows
will be regarded with particular affection, esteem, or preference
over the other 99, even if only by a slight margin. I am no
exception since I really like this one particular TV show a
lot more than any others, therefore making it my "favorite"…
And boy, is this particular show my favorite... I bought a Tivo
just so I could record it… It's simply brilliant. I think
everyone should watch this certain particular show. Don't miss
it.
Thank you Les, for your wonderful question. I would
love to know if you have a favorite TV show too?... And maybe
even what your favorite TV show is?
Sincerely Yours,
Steve Harwood - Humble Genius
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5/12/03
Dear Steve,
I was wondering why it is that a person who is not-so-smart
is called a "ding-dong"? Is this a reference to doorbells?
Thank you,
Sahar
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Dear Sahar,
Your topic certainly "rings a bell" (No pun intended).
So allow me to "chime" in with a response (Still no
pun intended... My word choice is pure coincidence. ). I hope
while you read this you aren't smoking a "bong" (I know
you probably think I'm making puns here because of my use of "quotation
marks", But I assure you, I'm merely drunk).
Ivan Pavlov was a Russian physiologist who demonstrated
that by ringing a bell each time he fed his dog, he could get
the dog to salivate from the mere sound of the bell alone. The
eliciting of a particular behavior through the ringing of a bell
is known as "Conditioned Response". This ability to
control the salivation of his dog drove Ivan Pavlov mad with power.
Realistically, the power to make a dog drool slightly more than
it usually does is not a great deal of power to have. In fact,
on a scale of power it ranks just above "the power to choose
between a sugar cone or a waffle cone" and just below "The
power to make a dog stop drooling". Nobody is quite sure
why Ivan Pavlov went mad with power so easily. Some believe that
going mad with power ran in the Pavlov family. It was documented
that Ivan's Grandfather, Mikhail Pavlov went mad with power when
he received a coffee mug with the words "World's Greatest
Grandpa" written on it. From that day forth he insisted that
all other grandpas kneel down before his greatness or be destroyed.
Whatever the reason, Ivan was now suffering from severe megalomania.
He sent threats to all the world's dog owners.
Dear dog owner,
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Ivan Pavlov and I am the new supreme ruler of the
world. Failure to recognize me as your new leader and overlord
will result in a noticeable increase in your dog's saliva
production. Have a nice day.
Your All Powerful Buddy,
Ivan Pavlov
P.s. Could I please spend a week with your
dog in order to train him to drool when I ring a bell?
Very few people accepted Ivan Pavlov as their
sovereign. Sadly, Ivan went from being mad with power, to crazy
with disappointment. Children chased him down the streets imitating
bells and yelling "ding-dong!, ding-dong!". The term
eventually came to mean "A person with stupid ideas".
A few years later, Ivan Pavlov invented the doorbell.
Sincerely Yours,
Steve Harwood - Humble Genius
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4/30/03
Hey, uh... have you ever had guano?
(Submitted Anonymously)
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Dear Anonymous,
Have I?… Guano?… Me? I’m
tempted not to answer this question as I find this inquiry into
my personal life to be most intrusive! It is obvious that whoever
asked this question of me already knows the answer. They know
that for me this question carries great deal of emotional weight
with it. This question was asked intentionally, maliciously,
and with no other purpose than to rub salt in an already open
wound. The author of the question did not even have the courage
to sign their name! Shame on you! If you are going to personally
assault me like this, at least have the courage to stand behind
your wounding words! But instead, you cower safely behind your
ivory desk, typing at your ivory computer and drinking your
coffee made of ivory. You weren't even polite enough to grace
me with the traditional "Dear Steve" at the beginning
of your letter. Instead you opted to go straight in to the trash
talk! Well, I’ve got news for you! Steve Harwood can not
be intimidated! Even though this question is of a highly personal
and offensive nature, I will now take the high road and answer
it regardless.
I don’t know what guano is…
There!... I’m glad to have gotten that off
my chest. Actually, I feel rather relieved. This is a burden
that I’ve been living with my entire life. I hide it well.
When guano is mentioned in a conversation, I usually just smile,
laugh and say, “Guano, I sure know what that means.”
But on the inside I am crying. As a baby, nobody is expected
to know what guano is… Because you’re just a stupid
baby. But as you grow older and become slowly less stupid, you
are taught the meaning of the word “guano” in school,
usually around the 2nd grade. As any child, I was very excited
about learning the meaning of “guano”. I was hearing
the word used all the time by adults, at the supermarket, at
the dentist, during the Reagan vs. Mondale debates. But as the
fates would have it I was absent from school during “Guano
Week”. Unfortunately, I had become very ill due to a large
quantity of bat and seagull feces that I’d accidentally
ingested.
Sincerely yours,
Steve Harwood - Humble Genius
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4/25/03
Dear Steve,
Why does the moon look bigger when it's close to the horizon?
And why are ants so strong? They can lift like, 30 times their
own body weight! How do they do that?! And what's with that
moon and the horizon thing? It looks so big! How'd it do that?!
Dr. Aaron Hilliard
Chair, UCLA Moon and Ant Dept.
UCLA School of Medicine
Los Angeles, CA
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Dear Dr. Hilliard,
Your question is one that has stumped
astronomers and entomologists alike for thousands of years.
This, however, is not saying much since astronomers and entomologists
are well known within the scientific community to be the most
easily stumpable of all scientists. In fact, each year as a
warm up to the Nobel science awards, scientists from around
the globe gather for the "Scientific Unstumpathon", in which
cavalcades of incredibly easy questions are asked to a group
of astronomers and entomologists in an effort to see who can
go the longest without getting one correct. Examples of questions
asked might be: "Where do all the stars go during the daytime?"
or "Do caterpillars exist?" and "Would anybody like a soda?".
Inevitably, these questioning sessions will go on for days before
anyone gives an answer other than "I dunno..." , "Beats me..."
and "I pass.". The sheer ineptitude of these scientists was
so baffling that in the early 1950's a new branch of science
was created devoted specifically to the study and understanding
of scientists themselves. This new branch of science was known
as "Scientology". Over the years however, Scientology somehow
lost sight of it's original goal and nobody is quite sure what
ever became of it.
Now to answer your questions, "Why
does the moon look bigger near the horizon?" and "Why are ants
so strong?". Dr. Hilliard, my dear sir, these questions are
one and the same! It is a well documented fact that all things
appear "greater" or "more awesome" the closer they are to the
ground. This is a phenomenon known as "The Sweet & Lowdown Effect",
named after Dr. Mike Sweet and Dr. Ike Lowdown. Mike & Ike conducted
an experiment in which they developed a variety of mediocre
candies, then strategically placed them on the bottom shelves
of grocery store checkout lines and movie theater concession
stands. The men theorized that by placing the candy near to
the ground, it would appear better than it actually was. Amazingly
the candies sold very well, even though they were not very good.
Similarly, when the Full Moon is viewed near to the ground it
looks huge and impressive, but when it is viewed way up high
in the sky, it looks like a stupid little glowing pile of crap.
The same goes for the ants. Ants are mainly found on the ground
or under the ground where they appear to be able to carry 100
times their own body weight. But if you were to take an ant
up in a blimp, you would see that they can really only carry
about 75 times their own body weight! Hardly impressive.
If you are still skeptical, here are
some other examples of the Sweet & Lowdown Effect at work in
every day life:
- Which will a dog eat first? Dog food placed
on the floor, or dog food placed on the roof?
- Who won more Emmy Awards? Danny Devito or a
giraffe?
- Who is going to have sex first? A young woman
orbiting the earth in a space station, or a young woman lying
on the floor of a subterranean parking structure?
I hope this information helps in your
research. Say hello to the rest of the gang in the UCLA M.A.D.
building. Except for professors Morton and Snorton. Tell them
they suck.
Sincerely yours,
Steve Harwood - Humble Genius
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